Healer; Healing

February creeped in. The mixed feelings of trust and loneliness. There is good and bad. Today I am a 16 year old girl, who lost her mom so suddenly at age 14. Now after two years of picking up the pieces I am rewriting my story.

My moms life, her story is not only about the ending, the death. It is so much more. It is everything before and everything after. I am apart of her and she apart of me. She was spectacular.

I am now getting to know her even more though stories and pictures. Seeing our similarities.

Today does not have to be a sad day here down on earth. Look up and see heaven is celebrating. Two years ago today my mom became an angel. She hugged God and met Jesus and she got to see her daddy again.

Through deep sadness there is deep joy. Sorrow and celebration. A mixture between life and death, dark and light. What is more simple than balance

Missing you mom is everything but easy. It is so complex. It does not go away, it comes in waves. I love you, I love us.

Through my mom is not present I am learning so much more about her through a photograph. I learned how similar we are in our smile, hair, forehead, cheeks, nose, ears, eye shape & long legs.

I feel her wild free spirit seep through the pictures.I want to be this way. Not everything she was but everything she would want me to be.

Oh what I would do to be with her in her presence. Talking & laughing. Singing & dancing, storytelling. Through prom and graduation. My time of exploration. To see me under avail and hold me close.

Though I wish this is true,I dream a dream. Wish upon a star wish to see you again.

Until then I learn from you as you guide me through.

One year ago today an angel gained there wings. This angel was my first home, my first love and my first friend. This angel gave me my name and I called her a name I will never call anyone else, that name is Mom. One year ago today I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, to share one last hug. I unknowingly said my last goodbye 7 days before. Last year on this day I heard the worst news a girl could possibly hear. I had the worst feeling I’d ever felt before. It didn’t feel real. How could it be? There were so many more Saturday nights needed to be spend together, more laughs need to be laughed, more stories needed to be told, more of her magic hugs needed to be given. She was going to help me pick out my prom dress then one day my wedding dress and walk me down the aisle and hold my hand while I’m having a baby while telling me “kids ruin everything” As I thought about all the things she would miss I promised myself I would never forget about the memories we did get to share together. Eventually as I grew in my faith I realized my mom wasn’t gone. Just because I can’t see her anymore doesn’t mean she’s was gone because love never dies. She is still with me, she is in my heart and when she visit me in my dreams I feel her presence. She is the whistle in the wind, the warmth on a sunny day, or a butterfly that decides to hangout for a little while. My mom was the most caring, love person I ever met. She treated everyone as if they were family and I’d never seen anyone love animals more than she did. She had so much on her plate yet made it look so easy she literally would cart wheeled through life. I hope one day I can be as spectacular as she was. I thank God I was blessed to have a Mom like her and for all of the unforgettable memories we shared. ❤️

I’ve learned the benefits of reflection, reflecting on the past day, week, memory. There is a big difference between dwelling and reflecting, dwelling you aren’t giving the struggles and regrets to Jesus, reflecting you are. As well as talking to him, saying sorry or saying “this week was hard but you got me through, thank you” see what is good, and what can grow. Look forward to what God has in store for you this week.

Something about finishing a journal, it’s like completing a chapter in your life. Bitter sweet, rewarding as well as refreshing. Refreshing in the since of a new clean start.

Just like when Jesus forgives us of our sins he gives a new clean start, a new journal with no pages filled. A chance to write a new story. A story where he is one of the main characters.

I highly highly recommend gifting yourself a journal, if you can’t afford it write your thoughts down on random pieces of paper. It is just such a great, safe place to express your feelings and let them out instead of balling them up. It is extremely healing to look back and reread the passed day to see how far you have come. What greater way to learn more about yourself than reading your own journal; thoughts written by the soul.